[maemo-community] Maemo community outreach flyer reboot v2 - final (Community)

[From: Sebastian 'CrashandDie' Lauwers]

Hey Randall,

A few comments, apologies if I didn't provide any feedback previously.
I hope it's not too late.

On Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 2:03 PM, Randall Arnold <texrat at ovi.com> wrote:
> Link: http://maemo-daemons.org/maemo-org_community-flyer2_Maemo5.pdf

First paragraph ("A rich technology-oriented wonderland..."):
 - Can we add a comma after "rich"?
 - There is too much space after the first sentence and before the
second sentence ("community. Heavily"). I understand this is probably
because of layout and design, however it doesn't read well. Maybe
"code warriors" could be on the same line?

Third paragraph (on the right-hand side), ("We’re looking for people..."):
 - Would it be more positive to say: "We're always looking for people..."?
 - In my mind, "interests are in" is redundant. Either "you're
interested in", or "your interests are".
 - Again, having the "maemo.org" standing out on itself doesn't seem
natural to me. It sticks out like a sore thumb, not as something my
eyes are attracted to, or something I'd remember.
 - The whole last sentence of this paragraph is very long to read
(especially on a flyer). Could we break it up or add reading pauses to
make it more easy to understand?
e.g.: "Whether your interests lie in coding, user interface design,
testing, content management, writing or simply having fun; you're
invited to jump in at the edge of technological discovery: maemo.org!"

Fourth paragraph (on the right-hand side), ("The maemo.org community
is actively..."):
 - "to regional strategy sessions to the annual Maemo Summit.", there
should be a comma after "sessions". Same reason as before.

2nd page

First paragraph ("...is an open source community..."):
 - "more than 900 community development projects in the Maemo Garage."
Isn't "development" seriously redundant in this sentence? Also, why
talk about the Maemo Garage and not qualify it? Unless it's within
context, I've always highly despised the name "Garage", as it sounds
like a shady corner of the 'burbs. I would suggest removing reference
to the Garage altogether here.
 - "We work with open source tools and processes. We focus on new
software for both the platform itself and on top of the platform."
These two sentences should be merged into one. The first one, on its
own, doesn't add anything meaningful other than being a proper, simple
statement. Preferably a semicolon would be used to separate them, no
capitals.
 - "We focus on new software for both the platform itself and on top
of the platform." I have a very hard time with this bit (the "and on
top of the platform"). I don't get it, at all. Maybe a few buzz words
could spice things up?
e.g.: "new software both constructing the platform and leveraging it."

Second paragraph ("Maemo is a software platform that is mostly based..."):
 - "Nokia in collaboration with open source projects such as the Linux
kernel , Debian , GNOME , and" There are spaces before each comma and
there shouldn't be a comma before "and".
 - "cross-platform application tool Qt." Qt isn't a tool, it's a framework.

Third paragraph ("At maemo.org you will find more information..."):
 - "develop with Maemo", in order to not send the wrong message, maybe
we could say "develop for Maemo" rather than with?
 - "how to make your development work available to users". What
exactly is "development work"? How about "how to share your efforts
with other users" or "how to publish your creations for other users to
enjoy".
 - "maemo.nokia.com you fill find more information" /!\ TYPO (will find).

Fourth paragraph ("The community is represented by a council of five persons"):
 - "every qualified community member" what qualifies "qualified"?
IMHO, "every active community member" sends out a more positive
message.

General comments:
 - How come only the third paragraph on the second page has URLs
(maemo.org specifically) in a bold font? Why not on the other parts of
the flyer?
 - Excellent work, I really like it!
 - Sorry for being a criticising bastard.

-S.

-- 
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
      -- Wm. Shakespeare