[maemo-community] Maemo community outreach flyer reboot v2 - final (Community)

[From: Randall Arnold]

Some of Sebastian's suggestions I will implement and some I won't. 
Sprinkling commas into text can often do more harm than good as I'm sure
you know.  ; )  Plus some of the writing tactics I used were for effect.

But I am interested in your design-based feedback, because you have been
objective and specific (as opposed to "I don't like that
color/icon/etc").  If you feel led, share. : )

Randall (Randy) Arnold
maemo.org community council
http://tabulacrypticum.wordpress.com/




> ----- Original message -----
> From: "Tim Samoff" <tim at samoff.com>
> To: "List for community development" <maemo-community at maemo.org>
> Subject: Re: Maemo community outreach flyer reboot v2 - final
(Community)
> Date: Thu, 28 Jan 2010 07:29:51 -0600
>
>
>
> Hi,
>
> Good comments from Sebastian below -- not all crucial, but some good,
> easy changes that will make it flow a little better.
>
> There are a few niggling design thingies that I could harp on, but
> otherwise, I think it's good to go.
>
> Thanks, Randy.
>
> Tim
>
> -- http://samoff.com
>
>
>
> Sebastian 'CrashandDie' Lauwers wrote:
> > Hey Randall,
> >
> > A few comments, apologies if I didn't provide any feedback
previously.
> > I hope it's not too late.
> >
> > On Thu, Jan 28, 2010 at 2:03 PM, Randall Arnold<texrat at ovi.com>
wrote:
> >> Link: http://maemo-daemons.org/maemo-org_community-flyer2_Maemo5.pdf
> >
> > First paragraph ("A rich technology-oriented wonderland..."):
> > - Can we add a comma after "rich"?
> > - There is too much space after the first sentence and before the
> > second sentence ("community. Heavily"). I understand this is probably
> > because of layout and design, however it doesn't read well. Maybe
> > "code warriors" could be on the same line?
> >
> > Third paragraph (on the right-hand side), ("We’re looking for
people..."):
> > - Would it be more positive to say: "We're always looking for
people..."?
> > - In my mind, "interests are in" is redundant. Either "you're
> > interested in", or "your interests are".
> > - Again, having the "maemo.org" standing out on itself doesn't seem
> > natural to me. It sticks out like a sore thumb, not as something my
> > eyes are attracted to, or something I'd remember.
> > - The whole last sentence of this paragraph is very long to read
> > (especially on a flyer). Could we break it up or add reading pauses
to
> > make it more easy to understand?
> > e.g.: "Whether your interests lie in coding, user interface design,
> > testing, content management, writing or simply having fun; you're
> > invited to jump in at the edge of technological discovery:
maemo.org!"
> >
> > Fourth paragraph (on the right-hand side), ("The maemo.org community
> > is actively..."):
> > - "to regional strategy sessions to the annual Maemo Summit.", there
> > should be a comma after "sessions". Same reason as before.
> >
> > 2nd page
> >
> > First paragraph ("...is an open source community..."):
> > - "more than 900 community development projects in the Maemo Garage."
> > Isn't "development" seriously redundant in this sentence? Also, why
> > talk about the Maemo Garage and not qualify it? Unless it's within
> > context, I've always highly despised the name "Garage", as it sounds
> > like a shady corner of the 'burbs. I would suggest removing reference
> > to the Garage altogether here.
> > - "We work with open source tools and processes. We focus on new
> > software for both the platform itself and on top of the platform."
> > These two sentences should be merged into one. The first one, on its
> > own, doesn't add anything meaningful other than being a proper,
simple
> > statement. Preferably a semicolon would be used to separate them, no
> > capitals.
> > - "We focus on new software for both the platform itself and on top
> > of the platform." I have a very hard time with this bit (the "and on
> > top of the platform"). I don't get it, at all. Maybe a few buzz words
> > could spice things up?
> > e.g.: "new software both constructing the platform and leveraging
it."
> >
> > Second paragraph ("Maemo is a software platform that is mostly
based..."):
> > - "Nokia in collaboration with open source projects such as the Linux
> > kernel , Debian , GNOME , and" There are spaces before each comma and
> > there shouldn't be a comma before "and".
> > - "cross-platform application tool Qt." Qt isn't a tool, it's a
framework.
> >
> > Third paragraph ("At maemo.org you will find more information..."):
> > - "develop with Maemo", in order to not send the wrong message, maybe
> > we could say "develop for Maemo" rather than with?
> > - "how to make your development work available to users". What
> > exactly is "development work"? How about "how to share your efforts
> > with other users" or "how to publish your creations for other users
to
> > enjoy".
> > - "maemo.nokia.com you fill find more information" /!\ TYPO (will
find).
> >
> > Fourth paragraph ("The community is represented by a council of
> > five persons"):
> > - "every qualified community member" what qualifies "qualified"?
> > IMHO, "every active community member" sends out a more positive
> > message.
> >
> > General comments:
> > - How come only the third paragraph on the second page has URLs
> > (maemo.org specifically) in a bold font? Why not on the other parts
of
> > the flyer?
> > - Excellent work, I really like it!
> > - Sorry for being a criticising bastard.
> >
> > -S.
> >
>
>
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